Monday, March 25th, 2024 5:20 pm.

If you’re a fan of MST3K (And who isn’t?) you might remember a high quality film they riffed back in the day called ATTACK OF THE GIANT LEECHES.
It was a good episode, (the “A Danger to Ourselves and Others” song is a highlight) but the thing is, as is the case with many MST3K movies, that was not the first time I saw this movie.
I got a copy on one of those sixteen VHS tape “sci-fi classics” collections. I think they lied though, because I wouldn’t really call it a classic. In fact, this isn’t even really a classic in the giant leech genre of cinema. It isn’t the best giant leech movie. (And as far as I know, this is the only giant leech movie. No, I take that back. I looked it up and they remade this in 2008. Maybe that.) I have yet to subject myself to that one. Of course, even THIS movie would have a remake!!
The VHS copy I have is special, in that the print is SOOO murky you can barely even see Bruno Vesota.
(That comment would be funnier to you if you knew who Bruno Vesota was. Allow me to elaborate. Brunon Vesota was a very hefty character actor who played in pretty much every other cheesy movie in the 1950s and early 60’s. You watch enough of this crap, he become very recognizable to you.)
But having a bad view of Bruno was the least of my worries. I mean, you watch a movie called Attack of the Giant Leeches, you do wanna see the leech action.
And there is, in fact, some leech action, when they take their victims to their lair, and you do hear some creepy sucking sounds, but, I swear, they look like guys in garbage bags. They have some kind of cool sucker things on the garbage bags, but, yeah, otherwise, pretty much garbage bags.
Roger Corman is notable for being thrifty, and this was produced by his brother, Gene Corman, who was, perhaps, even thriftier. The leech bodies are garbage bags, but the sucker thingies they put on them have to have cost upwards of five dollars, so, kinda splurged here.
There are some underwater scenes, and in those, the leeches weirdly seem to have floating tentacles.
I dunno why they look like that. Maybe Gene Corman stole an octopus or something?
Now, I am no leech expert. I pretend to be one at parties, to pick up chicks, but my Leech knowledge is, admittedly, limited. What I do know tells me they are not supposed to have arms, or tentacles, or really any kind of appendages. I thought maybe it was the murky print I was watching, but then I saw it on MST3K, where they had a better print, and I think I still saw some kind of tentacles on the garbage bags.
You may be wondering why I’m even talking about this movie, as it is fairly unremarkable. Well, it just reminds me of my own garbage bag cephalopod, OCTOBONER!
As I’ve mentioned before, my best friend and I once had the grand idea to make a film called Octoboner. We went to the trouble of making a paper mache octopus, filmed a couple scenes of him sitting by a lake in his backyard, and then did nothing else. Octoboner now currently resides rotting in a garbage bag in my basement. (I still have hope we will make that movie one day!)
I don’t know what Squid Game is but I have it on good authority that it is popular, and maybe Octoboner can be too someday. He’s not a leech, but he be could an extra in the next giant leech movie!
In the meantime, watch ATTACK OF THE GIANT LEECHES!!(Or at least the MST3K episode!)


Tuesday, March 19th, 2024 10:08 am.

In our previous instalment of LET’S GO TURBO! I reviewed five Turbgografx-16 classics! Well, that’s not entirely true. I reviewed four TurboGrafx-16 classics and then the fifth slot was reserved for the games that I got that would only work on the Japanese PC-Engine (The original version of the Turbo-Grafx-16) which I don’t have, and I’m not sure anyone besides me would consider any of the games I did review “classics”, but whatever.
That being said, I’m only gonna review one game per article now, because these games are expensive, and these are the cream of the crop. The best of the best. The MOST TURBO OF TURBO-GRAFX-16!
So, if you were paying me, you’d be getting more bang for your buck. (I know you aren’t paying me, but I should at least have a tip jar around here for this much TURBO!)
Here we go Turbo again, with me talking about:

BONK’S REVENGE: When I reviewed Bonk’s Adventure (The first game in the Bonk series) there was one element I woefully neglected. I don’t think I mentioned anything at all about how Bonk gets his power from MEAT!!
Much as I adore animals, I adore eating certain animals just about as much. I don’t agree with hunting for sport, but I do agree with fighting dinosaurs, should they attack you. And, when that happens, it’s always good to chow down on a big hunk of what may, or may not be dinosaur meat, to power up and hit them with your weird mutant head.
This happens in the Bonk games a lot.
There is not a lot of difference between Bonk’s Adventure and Bonk’s Revenge. Bonk’s Revenge is considered the best of the series, but, really, it’s just a slightly better version of the first one, and I already talked about that one. So, this time, mostly, I’m just gonna talk about the meat.
There are meats of varying size, and they all have different effects on Bonk. One makes him super strong, one makes him invincible, for a brief time, and my favorite one causes him to be dressed in some kind of… what I can only assume to be an ancient Greek outfit, and when he bonks the ground in that one, everyone around him turns to stone for a brief time, to make the fight easier.(I don’t get it either. My copy didn’t come with an instruction book.)
Now, we all know meat power-ups are not unique to the Bonk series. Castlevania has the wall chicken, which is supposed to be a pork chop. But really, that just recharges Simon Belmont’s health. (Is there a version where he gets unique powers from meats like Bonk does? Not that I know of. Simon’s more well known, but I think Bonk has him beat there.)
These meat power-ups always make me wish that, when I went to the fridge to get a piece of salami or something, it would imbue me with greater strength, or a special ability.
Like, if my cat hears me opening the fridge, I jump upside down and bonk the floor, he would turn to stone for just a long enough period of time for me to finish my salami and run back to my room, without having to feed him for the 50th time that day. (It would be for his health. He needs to lose some weight. He’s a chonker.)
The meat hunks are not the only thing Bonk collects. Another meat-based thing he can get is hamburgers, and there are fries to go with them. For the health conscious he can get veggies and fruits. Also he is supposed to pick up smiley faces. Now, I thought Forrest Gump invented the Smiley face, but it turns out they were naturally occurring in the stone age. (And so are hamburgers! Living in prehistory does not sound so bad to me!)
What do these things do? I have no idea, I think they give you points or something. I should have read the instruction book that I don’t have.
Long story short, you bonk dinosaurs with your oversized cranium. Pure bliss.
I don’t give stars when I review stuff, but if I did, Bonk’s Revenge would get all of the stars.
The next game I’ll be discussing is a bit more difficult to play, but not as difficult to explain. It’s probably the best vertical scrolling shooter game I’ve ever played (And I’ve played too many of them.). It’s the one, the only BLAZING LAZERS!! I know I said I was going to review that in this article, but I LIED!
I’m a liar, but listen up, all you four people who read what I write. Stay tuned. the Blazing Lazers column is gonna be good! I promise!! (Another lie, but the game is good!)