Sunday, October 29th, 2023 11:59 am.

Last Halloween I was in the hospital and the TV was on, I think it was TBS, and they were showing nothing but Jurassic Park movies all night. A nurse came in and said “Ppph. That shit ain’t scary” and she was right. That shit ain’t scary. But then, at like four o’clock in the morning, they did show Pet Cemetery which is an actual horror movie!
Stephen King himself went on record on Conan saying he hates Halloween. I wouldn’t say I hate Halloween but I did work in a Halloween store for a while in my college years and I can see how you could get soured on the concept. (Although, in my case, it was mostly because I was selling Captain Condom costumes to frat boys.)
Also, I watch horror movies all the time. I’m one of the three people who subscribe to Shudder (“Joe Bob says check it out!” ) and I’m primarily nocturnal, so Halloween is like every day for me.
So, All Hallows Eve may not be that big of a deal for Stevie King and me, but I bring him up mostly because we share a favorite horror author: H.P Lovecraft. (We also both like the Outer Limits more than the Twilight Zone but that’s a Steven King-length story for another day.)
Now, I know old H.P was a problematic personality( He was racist, which I hate, but I’ve recently been told he wrote “The Shadow Over Innsmouth” because he found out he was of Welsh ancestry, which for some reason, caused him to write a story about a town full of lagoon monsters, so I’m pretty sure he was insane) but if you separate the artist from the art, his stories have everything I need in horror.
His stories are usually really short or serialized (Unlike some of Steven King’s most famous stuff which can tend to be the size of two Bibles taped together) he loves abnormally large monsters and somehow, even though he’s writing about weirdass squid things from beyond the realm of understanding, it scares the HELL out of you!
This, more or less, brings me around to my point which is GUZOO: THE THING FORSAKEN BY GOD IS THE BEST HORROR MOVIE OF ALL TIME!
Well, maybe not really but hear me out on this.
I enjoy a lot of modern blockbuster Marvel films because they are mostly based on comic books I read as a wee lad, but if I have some beers before seeing one, I regret it by hour three of the movie, because I don’t remember where the bathrooms are and I don’t wanna miss anything. (To be fair, even when I don’t drink beforehand, I still forget where the bathrooms are, but that’s on me.)
You will have no such problem with GUZOO: THE THING FORSAKEN BY GOD! (Not that you’ll see it in a theatre but if you somehow do, pissing won’t be your problem.)
This movie is roughly 40 minutes long.
“40 minutes long!? And it’s all I need in horror movie!?” That’s what you’re saying right now probably.
Well, yes, I don’t want to ruin what this is of a movie for you, but a brief Cliffs Notes of it: It’s a Japanese movie about some girls with weirdly specific names who stay at a mad scientist lady’s house and they have to confront the eldritch horror the lady is growing in her basement.
It DOES involve tentacles, but unlike most Japanese media that involves tentacles and girls, there is really nothing pornographic about this.
Full disclosure: I have an octopus monster in my basement in a garbage bag.
That might need some explaining.
True story: My friend and I came up with a movie when we were kids called OCTOBONER and we didn’t know that tentacle hentai was even a thing. We didn’t even think to make it a parody of the James Bond movie Octopussy.
We just thought OTOBONER was a funny name. So, we spent a whole lot of time making a paper mache octopus that is currently rotting in a garbage bag in my garage.
My friend is in possession of whatever footage of that we filmed somewhere and he says he can’t find it, but I think he’s lying. Trust me though, GUZOO: THE THING FORSAKEN BY GOD is even better!
Just think about the name, GUZZOO: THE THING FORSAKEN BY GOD!
(Don’t think about the character The Great Gazoo, the alien from the Flintstones. Someone on reddit made that joke even before I could.)
Even if you don’t believe in God, but you imagine the concept of a thing FORSAKEN by God, it’s pretty crazy. Like, God doesn’t even use the wrath of God on this thing, he’s not even acting pissed about it, he just doesn’t wanna think about it!
This Halloween season, I took some time to watch some of the classics I hadn’t paid enough attention to. James Wales The Old Dark House from 1932, which features Boris Karloff in a role that may even be better than his towering Frankenstein’s monster and prefaces a lot of horror films and media that came in its wake.
Also, the 1931 version of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, where Frederic March puts on such an epic performance as both Hyde and Jekyll, even with the innovative makeup, it should still shock you that they are being portrayed by the same person.
But GUZZO: THE THING FORSAKEN BY GOD has a better title, and if you don’t have enough time to watch it this Halloween, you can just read the title and imagine how scary it is!
Or you can just spend 40 fantastic minutes of your life and watch it! Here is a link to the WHOLE DAMN movie! (If you can’t speak Japanese it’s subtitled so doesn’t even matter. And BTW, this was supposed to be a part one, but it came out in 1986 so don’t hold your breath for part two.

Grimace’s Belated Birthday!!

Sunday, October 15th, 2023 4:45 am.

I’m literally late to the party on this, and I’m super ashamed, because I’ve mentioned I own a Grimace Christmas cookie jar, so I feel I’d be remiss were I not to mention before next Christmas that that THIS YEAR IS GRIMACES BIRTHDAY!!
Not that I need to mention it, because McDonald’s is going all out to remember and acknowledge that he exists and having a Grimace purple shake on their menu! Which, I didn’t want to get, because kids on Tik Tok already make videos about how drinking one will cause Grimace to emerge from the shadows and kill you.
To be fair, they aren’t completely wrong. Grimace was a big fan of shakes in his early career and he did used to be EVIL! And he had FOUR ARMS! (All of this is true. Look it up.) But all that happened before even I was born, around the time of the Civil War! So by the time my childhood rolled around, his image was softened and he was known as Ronald McDonald’s rotund reliable goofy friend.
I wanted to celebrate his birthday, so I bought this special purple cartridge of the GRIMACE’s BIRTHDAY game for the Game Boy Advance!
It isn’t exactly what I expected.
I mean, it IS purple and it does feature some other classic McDonalds advertising characters: the Hamburgler, Birdie and the McNugget Buddies
But I am having some serious issues with it. Allow me to elaborate.
For one thing, I didn’t think a Grimace game would focus so heavily on skateboarding. I’ve seen a lot of Grimace commercials but has he ever skateboarded ever in any of them? Maybe he did and I forgot. (Although that does seem like some pretty important character development I would vividly remember.)
OK, I looked it up on ebay and there IS a skateboarding Grimace Happy Meal toy that I somehow missed out on! And somebody also went to a Hell of a lot of trouble to paint an elaborate Grimace skateboard! Apparently he is a WAY more important figure in the skateboarding community than I’ve ever known!
This game focuses quite a bit on Grimace’s admittedly IMPRESSIVE ability to skateboard.
In that respect, it’s a bit like the classic game Adventure Island, wherein you ride a skateboard for a while and then you hit a rock and you die and have to start over.
That doesn’t make it a bad game, it just makes it as challenging as skateboarding is for me in real life.
It’s actually a super awesome game produced for McDonalds by Krool Toys and you should go to their website right now and buy all their shit because if you don’t, I just might.
Level two sees Grimace floating in a bubble and bouncing off cats. (Now THAT never happened! Wouldn’t the cats die!?)
It’s come to my attention this game is available online too but I just really wanted it for the Game Boy Advance.
I also recently got the Chicken Mcnugget shaped Tetris game (Yes, that exists.) so I am not the kind of person you should listen to about what to purchase. (Or maybe I am if you wanna be really awesome.)
I have a lot more stuff to talk about involving McDonalds collectibles and weird Game Boy Games but for now, let’s just leave it simple like this:
If you do get GRIMACE’S BIRTHDAY PARTY for some reason and you happen to read this website for some reason, tell me in the comments how you felt about Grimace saying OMG!
HAPPY B-lATED B DAY GRIMACE!! Now it’s probably already about time to put out your cookie jar for Christmas!