Not another Peep.

So, I have this bird outside my house and it will  will not stop chirping, ever. I’m starting to feel like Tippi Hedren. This thing will not shut up. And  I am trying desperately to resist the urge to buy a gun and murder either it or myself . I can’t even sleep anymore because […]

Pickle and “The Middle”

Back in the days of my misbegoten youth, I had a nickname, “Guy at Every Show,” because I went to every single punk show. I saw the Ataris and New Found Glory hundreds of times. (Nothing compared to the amount of times I saw Reel Big Fish and Less than Jake. I number those in […]

Goblins ‘N Graduates. Not a Ghost of a Chance.

If any of you super old school Moosekateers out yonder have managed to mosey on over to this new site, you may dimly recall that my college experience used to be more deserving of the title Nerverending story than the actual Neverdending story, because the actual  Neverending Story ENDED! And for the longest time, my […]

Don’t Monkey Around with my Heart

I was just watching Casablanca on TCM, and it occurred to me, that is the perfect Valentine’s Day movie for me, because it’s about a guy who drinks too much, and doesn’t end up with the girl, in the end, which is pretty much the story of my life. But, there is another classic movie […]

Dustin The Wind

Dustin Diamond just died the other day and I’m feeling emotions about this. The lead singer of  GWAR once said, “The 70’s had a lot of bands who named themselves after geographical locations ( like Boston, America and Kansas) and he said that they all sucked. (I disagree with that, but I do prefer the […]

Kentucky Fried Moose

I just recently got a Thirty Dollar fill up from KFC, which is a delectible mix of Kentucky fried Chicken, Chicken tenders and sides. I’d like to think they named this combo after Colonel Sanders Filling Station. (Because of the “Fill” thing. See what I did there?) As I’ve said countless times in this column, […]

Taco Terror

Listen up here, jr. Moosekateers! If you are young and dumb enough to decide to go to college, just know it is pretty much the same thing as voluntarily going  to hell. 90% of your teachers will hate you, all the people you wanna go out with won’t date you, and the friends you make […]

American Cheese

My fellow American Mooseheads, today is such an important day for this great country of ours. We Americans created American Cheese, and today is National Cheese Lovers Day!  (Also, somebody told me the inauguration, or something, was  today, but I wasn’t listening, because I was too busy, writing this absurdly long column about cheese.) I’m […]

Happy Belated Martin Luther King Day!

When my cousins, Sara and Emily, and I, were kids, we used to pretend we were characters on TV sitcoms that didn’t exist, that we  invented, ourselves. We performed these sitcoms in my grandparents’ basement (We were weird ),  and in the 80’s and 90’s, every single sitcom had a Christmas message at the end […]

Graffiti on a Manatee is not OK with me.

Hunker down, Mooseheads, because this is gonna be a serious one. You know it’s my usual policy to not discuss politics,  because I hate them, but I’m making an exception in this case, because I will also get to be discussing manatees. And if you’ve ever read my column even once, you probably know I […]