A lot of comedians get “cancelled” for making offensive jokes. We live in a time that is more sensitive to the feelings of others. I wish times were more like this when I was a skinny kid, getting his X-Men cards stolen from him, and being dangled off a bridge on a class trip, but as a wise man once said, “Life’s a lot of things. But fair isn’t one of them.”
One thing that was great about life when I was a small child, back in the antediluvian era, was this thing called R.I.F.
R.I.F stands for Reading is Fundamental, and it still exists for kids today, which is great! I’m not sure how it works now, but back in the day, kids in elementary school got to go and pick out a free book. There were probably a lot of great books to choose from, but because I was such a fan of comic books and comic strips, I would usually end up getting a Garfield book. Also, my elementary school was named Garfield Elementary. I think that was a coincidence because I’m pretty sure there was another famous guy who wasn’t a cat who was named Garfield. (Don’t quote me on that though.)
So even though this new Garfield movie that came out has been called “Not good.” (Among other things.) Garfield still looms large in my legend
The Garfield and Friends cartoon show and TV specials are always the best Garfield things, to me. I’ve said this a million times, and so has everyone else over a certain age: “Garfield can only ever be voiced by LORENZO MUSIC!” (Lorenzo, sadly, is no longer with us.) Even the great Bill Murray couldn’t do Garfield justice! Lorenzo Music voiced Bill Murray’s character, Peter Venkman, on The Real Ghostbusters cartoon, and Bill Murray did the voice of Garfield in the live action Garfield movies. (I’m getting sick of having to bring that up constantly in conversation, but I’m sure I’ll continue to do so every chance I get.)
The thing is, Bill Murray just kind of accidentally ended up being the voice of Garfield in the live action movies, (If you don’t know that story, I recommend you look it up.) but Chris Pratt is just the guy who they go to when they are doing computer animated movies now.
I loved Chris Pratt in the O.C and Parks and Recreation and as Star-Lord from Guardians of the Galaxy, but since he did that LEGO computer animated movie, he seems to be the number one go to CGI cartoon actor, even if he doesn’t fit the role.
Mario? Really? And now GARFIELD!? Neither of those characters should ever be played by Chris Pratt, but whatever. Not to mention, if I were to hire an actor from Parks and Recreation, to play Garfield, Chris Pratt isn’t exactly the first person I would choose. First, you’d have to go with Nick Offerman, who is a human version of Garfield or Aubrey Plaza, who, at least, voiced the Grumpy Cat in a Hallmark movie. (I don’t care that she’s a woman. In this case, I’m OK with gender-swap casting.) But I digress. We are not here to talk about the new Garfield movie.
We’re gonna circle back to R.I.F now, because the important thing is to figure out how Garfield escaped cancellation, writing this book.
Sure, it says, “By Jim Davis” but every cartoon fan knows Jim Davis has barely done anything besides collect money since maybe the late 80s. I’m told he has a bunch or artists and writers who handle the bulk of the work, but I choose to believe Garfield’s Insults Put ‘Downs and Slams was mostly written by Garfield himself.
Here are just a FEW of his most offensive jokes. (I will list them in the way they are partitioned out in the book):
FACE JOKES
“You know what goes best with a face like yours? A paper bag!”
“Is that your nose? Or did someone park a blimp on your face?” (This one requires the victim to have a moustache.)
“Nice teeth! For a beaver!”
SNAPPY COME BACKS
John: “I have a date tonight!”
Garfield: ” With who? The alligator girl?” (This one requires you and the victim to both understand what a circus freak show used to be.)
John: “You think I should let my hair grow?”
Garfield: “Yeah. Preferably over your face.”
John:” I feel fit as a fiddle!
Garfield: “Yeah, but you look like a tuba.”
CAREER JEERS
( These three are about jobs I’ve done.)
WRITERS: “It’s amazing how you can fill up all those pages.”
CARTOONISTS: ” Well, we can’t all be physicists.”
JOURNALISTS: ” I know that if you had the budget, you’d be doing major news stories like Geraldo.”
There are a bunch more categories in the book, but the most specific category to Garfield is the one called:
DUMB AS ODIE
” You look so tired. Have you been thinking?”
” You’re so dumb, you flunked recess.”
“Your brain is like the Abominable Snowman. Neither one has ever been found.”
Now some of those jokes might seem mean, some might seem wrong, but all of them would sound funnier if they were delivered by Lorenzo Music instead of Chris Pratt.
I won’t judge the new Garfield movie though, because I haven’t seen it. But I will say none of those insults from the Garfield book I got from R.I.F ever worked on anyone who was ever bullying me as a kid.
And, as an adult, they STILL don’t work!!
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