You know, I don’t even like driving. I suck at driving and try to avoid it whenever I can. But my sucking at driving is more because I’m a spazz, not because of my eyesight.

My eyesight is usually fine, UNTIL I GO TO THE BMV! When I have to renew my license, my eyes just melt.

I might as well be blind.

For some reason, I can’t see the little, tiny letters through that ViewMaster-periscope they give you.

Can anyone?  Can you?

I’m a really bad driver, I own that, but it’s not because I can’t see. Unless my window fogs up and things are flying at it when I’m driving.

In general, though, I’m not very good.  Once I went on a double date with one of my friends, and he and I and some girls went bumper car driving. I even sucked at THAT!! My friend was like, “Yeah, don’t try bumper cars on another date.”  Yup.

Whenever I drive a car, though, I think of the Speed Racer  theme song, because I LOVE that show!

You know what’s weird? I always loved Speed Racer, even though it’s about people who know how to drive, and I’m as  bad a driver as you could possibly imagine. (It’s not that crazy. I mean, I also love He-Man and Masters of the Universe, but I never learned how to battle skull faced villains either.)

One of my favorite toy lines is The Incredible Crash Test Dummies.  This was a toy line I could get behind.

It wasn’t about how good you race, like Hot Wheels. (Although, later on, they did make a Hot Wheels/Crash Dummies combo thing.) The original Crash Dummy toys were about how mutilated you could be when you crash.

But way before the toy line, crash test dummies became popular because of Vince and Larry.

Vince and Larry were guys dressed up like crash dummies and did public service announcements about buckling your safety belt. And they hit home.

I mean, there are two things you probably remember from Driver’s Ed, the brains on the highway from Red Asphalt, part 15, and Vince and Larry, rapping.

I honestly don’t remember which, but one of the dummies was voiced by Lorenzo Music. If you are a boomer, or Gen-X, you will remember him as “Carlton, your doorman” from Rhoda. If you are a millennial, you will remember him as Garfield or Peter Venkman from the Garfield and Ghostbusters cartoons. (I watched a lot of Saturday morning cartoons AND a lot of Nick at Nite as a child, so I remember him from all of those shows.)

Now, let’s, please, not talk about the band named Crash Test Dummies. ( I lived through that band once and I have no intention of doing so again.)

I had the original Vince and Larry toys, but, eventually, the toy company lost the rights to them.

They could not use their real names anymore, so, they called them “Crash and  Spin” or something. I forget . Then they gave them  glow-in-the-dark suits.

You know, it was the same thing with Monster In My Pocket! A great toy line but noooo, we gotta get all fancy with it!!

I think monsters and crash dummies are cool enough on their own, without having to glow.

The point is, I suck at driving, and if you have any Crash Dummy toy pieces, please send them to me.

You know, Norm Macdonald is a hero of mine, and he said he never learned to drive a car! He always just bummed a ride from someone! Maybe I should follow his example! Better than being a dummy!!

There is a lot of love for Godzilla these days, what with Godzilla Minus One and the Godzilla v Kong X, or whatever it’s called, and I’m told I will love both.

I’m a big G-Fan, mostly because of the Showa era of Godzilla (1954-1975) and I love the stop motion animation era of Kong movies.

Now, if you aren’t familiar with the stop motion animation  era of Kong movies, it consists of the original King Kong (1933), Son of Kong, (Later in 1933) and Mighty Joe Young  (1949. There is nobody named Kong in it, but it might as well have been a Kong movie.)

The original Godzilla vs. Kong movie (1966) sucked. Maybe even by my standards. (I still love it though.)  It was just a Japanese comedy they threw Godzilla and Kong into, and the Kong costume looked surprisingly bad for a TOHO Studios (notable for monster costumes) standards. Which makes it extra funny, that people have made two American Godzilla vs. Kong movies now.

Godzilla Minus One is a serious  Godzilla movie, like the original Gojira. It’s not a goofy one like the later Showa era  Godzillas. So, I’m torn, because I love the goofy ones best, but Godzilla Minus One won an OSCAR!! So, I should probably watch it.

But me not seeing those movies yet pales in comparison to the amount of people who have not seen GOGOLA !!

I’m included with those people, and I think I should type out GOGOLA in all caps every time I say it, because it’s that important.

All the information I have about GOGOLA is from people posting about it on the internet, so I have no verifiable sources for this information,  So, whatever you read here, please take it with a GOGOLA-size grain of salt:

GOGOLA came out in India in 1966.

GOGOLA was India’s attempt at doing their version of a classic Japanese Kaiju Eija (Giant monster) movie.

GOGOLA was directed by Balwanti B. Dave ( His last name seems to be Dave for some reason. That might be a made-up last name.), the producer was T.M Rai, and the music was by another guy who had Dave for a last name. (All of this is from this movie’s entry on WIKIZZILLA, so you can look it up there  if you think I’m lying.)

GOGOLA was such a failure in India, it was never dubbed and released in the U.S.

GOGOLA was also such a crushing disaster to the people who made it, they never produced another movie.

GOGOLA is the only giant monster-Bollywood-combo-Beach-party film that has ever been made. (So, it NEEDS to be found.)

GOGOLA was said to be found recently by a guy on the Lost Media Reddit page.  He said his grandfather had the reels of the film, and he just found them. (That’s a weird thing to lie about, but everyone thinks he’s lying.)

GOGOLA has been compared to Barney the Dinosaur. That might have contributed to his failure as a significant menace, but WE’VE STILL GOTTA FIND HIM!!

Now, if I do find any proof  that GOGOLA  still exists, or an actual print of the film, I promise, I will let you know. For now, I will share with you these GOGOLA movie ads that I have found.

If YOU happen to find GOGOLA, please contact me at nmmoose.com.

Here it is, folks! This is my review of probably the best game on the TurboGrafx-16! Part 3 of my beloved Let’s Go Turbo series of columns! In honor of the solar eclipse (Well, to be fair, this game doesn’t have anything to do with the eclipse, but it DOES take place in outer space! And I’m pretty sure that’s where the eclipse happens! Right?) I am gonna talk about BLAZING LAZERS!!
According to a very intelligent and lovely YouTuber who goes by the handle of Cannotbetamed, Blazing Lazers is Kanye West’s favorite game. She’s usually right about things, (Although, she did say Bonk was creepy looking in her review of Bonk’s Adventure and she was WAY wrong about that!)
But you know who’s wrong about almost everything? Kanye West. I say he was wrong about ALMOST everything, because, despite her myriad flaws, Kim Kardasian is indeed one fine foxy Lady, and Blazing Lazers is indeed one awesome game!
Since I was a teen, Galaga has always been one of my fave arcade games. It was the sequel to Galaxian and the spiritual successor to Space Invaders, but those games were not at my local arcade, so I would play the Galaga/Ms. Pac Man combo machine until I ran out of quarters.
And, of course, I’m a Pac-fan but the Galaga portion of the arcade introduced me to the genre of vertical scrolling space shooters and I’ve been a geek for the genre ever since.
Now, for the grotesquely underinformed, the vertically scrolling space shooter genre is not as complicated as the Bonk genre. In the Bonk genre, you are a cave dude who pulverizes things with your abnormally sized head, munch meat to make yourself stronger, and swim inside the intestines of dinosaurs, among other things.  So, there is only one series of games I can think of in that genre. (There are other caveman games I won’t get into now, but none in the Bonk genre. It’s not a genre. I just wanted to talk about Bonk more.)
There are exactly one ZILLION vertically scrolling space shooter games and the TurboGrafx-16 managed to get one of the best of them, BLAZING LAZERS! And, fun fact, that isn’t the original name of the game.
The original name of the game is Gunhed. Gunhed is a great Japanese franchise, but if I explain it, this article will go on for fifty pages. So, let’s just say Blazing Lazers is a game that involves vertically scrolling shooting space ships, and I did beat it once! Well, technically, I only beat it by downloading it on a virtual console and using save states, but I COUNT THAT! That’s the only way I really “beat” most games.
But these Lets Go Turbo! columns I’ve been writing are about games of which I’ve acquired actual physical copies.  Of course, there are no save states on physical copies of games.  So, I get to about halfway through level two before my ships explode and my lives run out. But it’s a FUN one-and-a-half levels!
I dunno how Kanye did it without save states, but he did always say he was a genius, and maybe he was, when it came to TurboGrafx-16 games.
I’m not gonna spoil anything for you, because there is nothing to spoil. You just vertically scroll and shoot suff until you die, but, like I said, that is one of my fave game genres.
There are a lot more Turbo-Grafx-16 games I will cover as I aquire them. I’m looking for a good priced Air Zonk ( It’s like Bonk in Space flying a ship-sadly, horizontally, not vertically.) but for now, Blazing Lazers is pricey enough!
I say, get the system and get a Bonk game and Blazing Lazers and that’s really all you need.
But I’m just crazy enough to get more! Stay tuned!
And, if you happen to watch the eclipse today, be responsible! Put some kind of a thing over your face when you are looking at it and DON’T LOOK AT IT!! Then your eyeballs will all be good and healthy to play TurboGrax-16!

As I finish this column, it is Easter Sunday, going on April Fools’s Monday, but, i promise you, what you are about to read is NO JOKE!
Now, if you are anything like me (And for your sake, I hope you’re not) you have certain Easter traditions you follow. Mine include watching the timeless classic 1972 killer rabbit movie NIGHT OF THE LEPUS (Available on Rifftrax if you can’t stand to watch the movie by itself), making colorful Easter eggs with a kit made by the PAAS Corporation, and watching Patton Oswalt’s standup routine, making fun of the PAAS Corporation.
I was raised Catholic, but, over time, I think Patton Oswalt has become about as ubiquitous in my life as Jesus Christ, himself.
The first time I saw Patton’s routine about PAAS Easter egg coloring kits was probably two decades ago. Now the man is in everything. I just saw him in the new Ghostbusters movie the other day! He was on the Netflix MST3K! If I open my front door, I’m pretty sure he’ll be standing there! I wouldn’t even be shocked. I’d be like, “Hey, man. Wanna beer?”
I actually did see Patton Oswalt live one time, on the Comedians of Comedy tour back in the day, with Zach Galifianakas, Brian Posehn and Maria Bamford. I already knew and liked those guys, but I did not know Maria Bamford before that. She might have been the best there that night, because she did an impressive impression of a pterodactyl. (Must be seen and heard to be truly appreciated.)
Patton was no slouch either. He introduced the show dressed as Mark from Norton Furniture. (You need to live in Cleveland to get that one.)
But the one thing that he did that I always go back to in my mind, (No, I’m not going to say King of Queens.) is that one routine about PAAS!! I won’t tell you the joke if, for some reason, you haven’t seen him do it, but I will spoil one part of it: PAAS is the number one Easter egg coloring kit. It always has been, it always will be, but this year, I found out something new.
When you get the PAAS kit this year, you get more than just colorful egg droplets, and those squinchy wrappers to put around the eggs, and the little spinner things you play with. (Honestly, it seems like they are reaching with those spinners, but I love the spinners.) You actually get an origin story comic,
Remember when you would go to Red Lobster and get a kid’s meal, and it would come with a small comic book that explained Red Lobster and his friends and enemies?
Well, this is happening now with the PAAS characters!
There is a duck and a bunny, and it’s pretty serious. I didn’t think the mythos would get this deep, but HERE WE ARE!!
The part about the rainbow helping them create the colorful eggs is particularly compelling, but I really can’t tell you TOO much about what happens. I don’t want to ruin it for you. There should be PAAS kits for sale for cheap now that Easter is over.
What I can tell you is I want a PAAS extended universe. There can be a PAAS show on Disney Plus and, yes, Patton Oswalt will be in it.
HAPPY EASTER/FOOL’S DAY HYBRID THING!!