PAAS: THE TRUE ORIGIN STORY

Tuesday, April 2nd, 2024 12:00 am.

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As I finish this column, it is Easter Sunday, going on April Fools’s Monday, but, i promise you, what you are about to read is NO JOKE!
Now, if you are anything like me (And for your sake, I hope you’re not) you have certain Easter traditions you follow. Mine include watching the timeless classic 1972 killer rabbit movie NIGHT OF THE LEPUS (Available on Rifftrax if you can’t stand to watch the movie by itself), making colorful Easter eggs with a kit made by the PAAS Corporation, and watching Patton Oswalt’s standup routine, making fun of the PAAS Corporation.
I was raised Catholic, but, over time, I think Patton Oswalt has become about as ubiquitous in my life as Jesus Christ, himself.
The first time I saw Patton’s routine about PAAS Easter egg coloring kits was probably two decades ago. Now the man is in everything. I just saw him in the new Ghostbusters movie the other day! He was on the Netflix MST3K! If I open my front door, I’m pretty sure he’ll be standing there! I wouldn’t even be shocked. I’d be like, “Hey, man. Wanna beer?”
I actually did see Patton Oswalt live one time, on the Comedians of Comedy tour back in the day, with Zach Galifianakas, Brian Posehn and Maria Bamford. I already knew and liked those guys, but I did not know Maria Bamford before that. She might have been the best there that night, because she did an impressive impression of a pterodactyl. (Must be seen and heard to be truly appreciated.)
Patton was no slouch either. He introduced the show dressed as Mark from Norton Furniture. (You need to live in Cleveland to get that one.)
But the one thing that he did that I always go back to in my mind, (No, I’m not going to say King of Queens.) is that one routine about PAAS!! I won’t tell you the joke if, for some reason, you haven’t seen him do it, but I will spoil one part of it: PAAS is the number one Easter egg coloring kit. It always has been, it always will be, but this year, I found out something new.
When you get the PAAS kit this year, you get more than just colorful egg droplets, and those squinchy wrappers to put around the eggs, and the little spinner things you play with. (Honestly, it seems like they are reaching with those spinners, but I love the spinners.) You actually get an origin story comic,
Remember when you would go to Red Lobster and get a kid’s meal, and it would come with a small comic book that explained Red Lobster and his friends and enemies?
Well, this is happening now with the PAAS characters!
There is a duck and a bunny, and it’s pretty serious. I didn’t think the mythos would get this deep, but HERE WE ARE!!
The part about the rainbow helping them create the colorful eggs is particularly compelling, but I really can’t tell you TOO much about what happens. I don’t want to ruin it for you. There should be PAAS kits for sale for cheap now that Easter is over.
What I can tell you is I want a PAAS extended universe. There can be a PAAS show on Disney Plus and, yes, Patton Oswalt will be in it.
HAPPY EASTER/FOOL’S DAY HYBRID THING!!