Goblins N’ Graduates: Not a Ghost of a Chance!

Wednesday, October 31st, 2018 11:26 pm.

If any of you super old school Moosekateers out yonder have managed to mosey on over to this new site, you may dimly recall that my college experience used to be more deserving of the title Nerverending story than the actual Neverdending story, because the actual  Neverending Story ENDED!

And for the longest time, my college career was taking the longest time.

I did finally graduate, though, admittedly, I probably should have gotten around to doing so before I started being in my thirties, but I was busy being awesome!

For example, even though I spent most of the hundred years I was in college  in class (Or, at the local dive bar, having no class.) there was this one eight month period where I was unable to attend any of my classes because I was busy beating Ghosts N Goblins, the hardest video game in the history of anything!

Most of you young whipper snappers probably only know Ghosts N’ Goblins from the 90,000 YouTube personalities who have channels dedicated to ancient NES games but those folks aren’t the only ones to have been punished by this painful platformer!

And  THAT my friends, almost brings me to something resembling a point! And that potential point would be that Playing Ghosts N’ Goblin’s, and my nearly never-ending education, were actually quite similar in many ways. So similar in fact that, that it’s inspired me to develop my own college based video game! An homage of sorts, that will be entitled GOBLINS N’ GRADUATES! Allow me to elucidate by drawing some comparisons:

GHOST’S N’ GOBLINS begins with you enjoying some sexy, adult-style fun with your adorable purple haired girlfriend ( In a cemetery no less! SUPER KINKY!) when suddenly, she is kidnapped by a winged Satan-monster! Now you must rescue the not so-chaste, (but very fair!) maiden!

GOBLINS N’ GRADUATES begins the exact same way, except instead of getting kidnapped, your adorable purple haired girlfriend tells you that you have to graduate from college and get a job before she will commence having anymore sexy-adult-style fun with you. (FUCK!)

GHOSTS N’ GOBLINS: Takes place in an evil Hell-realm populated by incredibly terrifying creatures like ghastly Ogres, evil spirits and shrieking demons!

GOBLINS N’ GRADUATES takes place in a slightly more evil Hell-realm populated by incredibly annoying creatures, like bitter professors,  frat guys and stoners who blare an endless stream of jam band music out of patchouli stinking dorm windows! ( Admittedly, the shrieking demons are much more fun to listen to.)

IN GHOSTS N GOBLINS:  You start out your quest as a gallant knight in shining armor but when you take damage, it falls off and you end up fighting monsters in your underwear!

IN GOBLINS N’ GRADUATES: You start off the game happily in your underwear, holding a beer, but when you take damage the beer disappears and you have to put your clothes back on and go to class.

IN GHOSTS N’ GOBLINS: You die countless times and have to restart whatever level you were on when you died.

IN GOBLINS N’ GRADUATES: You have to keep re-appealing to the student loan committee every single year so your funding doesn’t get taken away, because of some incident that happened back in 2008.

IN GHOSTS N’ GOBLINS: You are plagued incessantly by a murderous demons hell-bent on your destruction.

IN GOBLINS N GRADUATES: There is a math requirement you have to complete.

IN GHOSTS N’ GOBLINS: You can’t beat the game unless you have the cross weapon.

IN GOBLINS N’ GRADUATES: You can’t beat the game unless you have taken some obscure astronomy lab you never even knew existed.

IN GHOSTS N’ GOBLINS: After you think you have beaten the game, you are informed that the battle was a “trap devised by Satan” and you have to play the whole entire game again from the beginning before you get the real ending.

IN GOBLINS N’ GRADUATES: After you think you have beaten the game, you are informed that your major was a “trap devised by Satan” and you have to play the whole entire game again from the beginning with a different major.

And finally,

IN GHOSTS N’ GOBLINS: When you have finally completed the game for real, you are reunited with your adorable purple haired girlfriend and presented with a confusing congratulatory message that more or less tells you should go back to the starting point and “challenge again”.

IN GOBLINS N’ GRADUATES : When you have finally completed the game, for real, you find that your adorable purple haired girlfriend has already been married to someone else for three years and you are presented with a confusing congratulatory message that more or less says, you should go to Grad School and “challenge again”.

I know, I KNOW, Ghosts N’ Goblins is a lot more FUN sounding, but with Goblins N’ Graduates, I’m going for that more gritty, realistic feel you kids are into these days!  If any of you guys can afford to buy it after you graduate, I know you will get a giggle out of it!

Nick Moose’s View, Where Are You?

Tuesday, October 2nd, 2018 7:32 pm.

So, I know all you maniacal Moosekateers have been missing me ever since you gazed your googly eyes upon the last column I composed.

I have no doubt all 16 of you ferocious followers of mine have been searching for me with a fervor that rivals most folks quests to find Carmen Sandiego or Waldo, or that Sinbad Genie movie. Unlike those other enigmas though, all new Nick Moose’s Views CAN, in fact, be found! You’re even reading one RIGHT NOW!!

That’s right, this very website NICKMOOSE.COM is the new place in cyberspace for this award winning column! (I’ve been writing this column off and on for roughly 100 years, so my memory may not be what it used to be but I swear at one point it won some kind of an award!  It was probably 65 years ago but I’d only had like 65 drinks that night, which means that I’m at least 65% certain that it actually happened!)

Now, I’m sure due to the prolonged absence of Nick Moose’s View, some of the trashier tabloid websites have been inaccurately reporting that I’ve met some untimely demise, well I’ve got news for you guys, I didn’t die and I wasn’t replaced by a clone who refused to write my column!! You’re thinking of Avril Lavigne with that whole death/clone thing. To be fair though, Avril Lavigne’s clone DID refuse to write my column for me but we’ll save that sordid story for another day.

Point being, don’t buy into the gossip! As some other guy once said, “The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.” ( Who was it who said that again? Jim Varney?) I wasn’t sprung from this mortal coil, oh no, I was just busy creating my own website to showcase all of my wacky works, one of which is this cockamamie column!

And because I’ll be my own editor now, God knows WHAT I’ll leave in! You should probably preemptively start writing me complaint emails! And don’t be shy on the insults! I’m used to it! I’ve already gotten every complaint from “Dear Mr. Reindeer, or whatever your name is, where the Hell do you get off…”  to “Nicholas, This is your seventh grade English teacher, you should really not make your entire column be one long run on sentence….”

These complaints are duly noted and filed away in my memory bank, right next to other important stuff, like all of the names of all of the Snorks.(Can you even name THREE Snorks!? I thought not!! So, don’t judge me!!)

How voluminous my column may become may also be affected by me being my own editor. Sometimes the columns will be nine gazillion words long. Conversely, they could be a mere 50 words long!   (OK, I’ll admit, I’m just kidding on the fifty words long thing. I mean, I can’t  greet the Domino’s guy with less than 500 words, and I always waste 12 of those words on saying “ WHY THE FUCK DON’T YOU GUYS JUST BRING BACK THE NOID ALREADY!?”)

NickMoose.com will also be the brand spankin’ new home of the Moose Comics Universe! But that is a story for another post!!

Also , I promise, this site will eventually include other funtastic features like “The Moose Merch Mall” which is a total rip off of Kool-Aid Man’s “Wacky Warehouse Mall” where you may be able to buy some useless Nick Moose-related shit ( Someday, in the future, after I’ve actually produced some purchasable Nick Moose shit.)  and “Moose-Tube,” which will have videos made by me and may feature something like a Vlog for yours truly which, I SWEAR will not consist exclusively of me dancing  around in my Underoos while clutching my Grubby from Teddy Ruxpin, and singing Billy Joel Songs!

Although, me dancing around in the NUDE, while singing Billy Joel songs, and clutching my Grubby from Teddy Ruxpin, may not be entirely out of the question. So, just please, proceed with caution, if you plan on clicking on that particular section! (Also, is “clutching my Grubby” a euphemism? If it wasn’t before, it is now!)

And there will also be some Mooselaneous (see what I did there!?) fun stuff for you to discover on here too!

The point being, I think, that me having my own personal website that encompasses all of my insanity is going to be good for me! And I’m hoping that maybe, just maybe, in some miniscule way, if you look back at it from whatever asylum you’re in someday, all of you members of the Moose Troop will say it was good for you too!!

So, welcome, one and all, to the WAY OUT WORLD OF NICK MOOSE!!

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve gotta go back to clutching my Grubby.