If any of you super old school Moosekateers out yonder have managed to mosey on over to this new site, you may dimly recall that my college experience used to be more deserving of the title Nerverending story than the actual Neverdending story, because the actual Neverending Story ENDED!
And for the longest time, my college career was taking the longest time.
I did finally graduate, though, admittedly, I probably should have gotten around to doing so before I started being in my thirties, but I was busy being awesome!
For example, even though I spent most of the hundred years I was in college in class (Or, at the local dive bar, having no class.) there was this one eight month period where I was unable to attend any of my classes because I was busy beating Ghosts N Goblins, the hardest video game in the history of anything!
Most of you young whipper snappers probably only know Ghosts N’ Goblins from the 90,000 YouTube personalities who have channels dedicated to ancient NES games but those folks aren’t the only ones to have been punished by this painful platformer!
And THAT my friends, almost brings me to something resembling a point! And that potential point would be that Playing Ghosts N’ Goblin’s, and my nearly never-ending education, were actually quite similar in many ways. So similar, in fact, that it’s inspired me to develop my own college based video game! An homage of sorts, that will be entitled GOBLINS N’ GRADUATES! Allow me to elucidate by drawing some comparisons:
GHOST’S N’ GOBLINS begins with you enjoying some sexy, adult-style fun with your adorable purple haired girlfriend ( In a cemetery no less! SUPER KINKY!) when suddenly, she is kidnapped by a winged Satan-monster! Now you must rescue the not so-chaste, (but very fair!) maiden!
GOBLINS N’ GRADUATES begins the exact same way, except instead of getting kidnapped, your adorable purple haired girlfriend tells you that you have to graduate from college and get a job before she will commence having anymore sexy-adult-style fun with you. (FUCK!)
GHOSTS N’ GOBLINS: Takes place in an evil Hell-realm populated by incredibly terrifying creatures like ghastly Ogres, evil spirits and shrieking demons!
GOBLINS N’ GRADUATES takes place in a slightly more evil Hell-realm populated by incredibly annoying creatures, like bitter professors, frat guys and stoners who blare an endless stream of jam band music out of patchouli stinking dorm windows! ( Admittedly, the shrieking demons are much more fun to listen to.)
IN GHOSTS N GOBLINS: You start out your quest as a gallant knight in shining armor but when you take damage, it falls off and you end up fighting monsters in your underwear!
IN GOBLINS N’ GRADUATES: You start off the game happily in your underwear, holding a beer, but when you take damage, the beer disappears and you have to put your clothes back on and go to class.
IN GHOSTS N’ GOBLINS: You die countless times and have to restart whatever level you were on when you died.
IN GOBLINS N’ GRADUATES: You have to keep re-appealing to the student loan committee every single year so your funding doesn’t get taken away, because of some incident that happened back in 2008.
IN GHOSTS N’ GOBLINS: You are plagued incessantly by a murderous demons hell-bent on your destruction.
IN GOBLINS N GRADUATES: There is a math requirement you have to complete.
IN GHOSTS N’ GOBLINS: You can’t beat the game unless you have the cross weapon.
IN GOBLINS N’ GRADUATES: You can’t beat the game unless you have taken some obscure astronomy lab you never even knew existed.
IN GHOSTS N’ GOBLINS: After you think you have beaten the game, you are informed that the battle was a “trap devised by Satan” and you have to play the whole entire game again from the beginning before you get the real ending.
IN GOBLINS N’ GRADUATES: After you think you have beaten the game, you are informed that your major was a “trap devised by Satan” and you have to play the whole entire game again from the beginning with a different major.
IN GHOSTS N’ GOBLINS: When you have finally completed the game for real, you are reunited with your adorable purple haired girlfriend and presented with a confusing congratulatory message that more or less tells you should go back to the starting point and “challenge again”.
IN GOBLINS N’ GRADUATES : When you have finally completed the game, for real, you find that your adorable purple haired girlfriend has already been married to someone else for three years and you are presented with a confusing congratulatory message that more or less says, you should go to Grad School and “challenge again”.
I know, I KNOW, Ghosts N’ Goblins is a lot more FUN sounding, but with Goblins N’ Graduates, I’m going for that more gritty, realistic feel you kids are into these days! If any of you guys can afford to buy it after you graduate, I know you will get a giggle out of it!