STOP! Don’t EVER let me drive under ANY circumstance!!

Sunday, April 21st, 2024 9:16 pm.

You know, I don’t even like driving. I suck at driving and try to avoid it whenever I can. But my sucking at driving is more because I’m a spazz, not because of my eyesight.

My eyesight is usually fine, UNTIL I GO TO THE BMV! When I have to renew my license, my eyes just melt.

I might as well be blind.

For some reason, I can’t see the little, tiny letters through that ViewMaster-periscope they give you.

Can anyone?  Can you?

I’m a really bad driver, I own that, but it’s not because I can’t see. Unless my window fogs up and things are flying at it when I’m driving.

In general, though, I’m not very good.  Once I went on a double date with one of my friends, and he and I and some girls went bumper car driving. I even sucked at THAT!! My friend was like, “Yeah, don’t try bumper cars on another date.”  Yup.

Whenever I drive a car, though, I think of the Speed Racer  theme song, because I LOVE that show!

You know what’s weird? I always loved Speed Racer, even though it’s about people who know how to drive, and I’m as  bad a driver as you could possibly imagine. (It’s not that crazy. I mean, I also love He-Man and Masters of the Universe, but I never learned how to battle skull faced villains either.)

One of my favorite toy lines is The Incredible Crash Test Dummies.  This was a toy line I could get behind.

It wasn’t about how good you race, like Hot Wheels. (Although, later on, they did make a Hot Wheels/Crash Dummies combo thing.) The original Crash Dummy toys were about how mutilated you could be when you crash.

But way before the toy line, crash test dummies became popular because of Vince and Larry.

Vince and Larry were guys dressed up like crash dummies and did public service announcements about buckling your safety belt. And they hit home.

I mean, there are two things you probably remember from Driver’s Ed, the brains on the highway from Red Asphalt, part 15, and Vince and Larry, rapping.

I honestly don’t remember which, but one of the dummies was voiced by Lorenzo Music. If you are a boomer, or Gen-X, you will remember him as “Carlton, your doorman” from Rhoda. If you are a millennial, you will remember him as Garfield or Peter Venkman from the Garfield and Ghostbusters cartoons. (I watched a lot of Saturday morning cartoons AND a lot of Nick at Nite as a child, so I remember him from all of those shows.)

Now, let’s, please, not talk about the band named Crash Test Dummies. ( I lived through that band once and I have no intention of doing so again.)

I had the original Vince and Larry toys, but, eventually, the toy company lost the rights to them.

They could not use their real names anymore, so, they called them “Crash and  Spin” or something. I forget . Then they gave them  glow-in-the-dark suits.

You know, it was the same thing with Monster In My Pocket! A great toy line but noooo, we gotta get all fancy with it!!

I think monsters and crash dummies are cool enough on their own, without having to glow.

The point is, I suck at driving, and if you have any Crash Dummy toy pieces, please send them to me.

You know, Norm Macdonald is a hero of mine, and he said he never learned to drive a car! He always just bummed a ride from someone! Maybe I should follow his example! Better than being a dummy!!


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