Sunday, October 29th, 2023 11:59 am.

Last Halloween I was in the hospital and the TV was on, I think it was TBS, and they were showing nothing but Jurassic Park movies all night. A nurse came in and said “Ppph. That shit ain’t scary” and she was right. That shit ain’t scary. But then, at like four o’clock in the morning, they did show Pet Cemetery which is an actual horror movie!
Stephen King himself went on record on Conan saying he hates Halloween. I wouldn’t say I hate Halloween but I did work in a Halloween store for a while in my college years and I can see how you could get soured on the concept. (Although, in my case, it was mostly because I was selling Captain Condom costumes to frat boys.)
Also, I watch horror movies all the time. I’m one of the three people who subscribe to Shudder (“Joe Bob says check it out!” ) and I’m primarily nocturnal, so Halloween is like every day for me.
So, All Hallows Eve may not be that big of a deal for Stevie King and me, but I bring him up mostly because we share a favorite horror author: H.P Lovecraft. (We also both like the Outer Limits more than the Twilight Zone but that’s a Steven King-length story for another day.)
Now, I know old H.P was a problematic personality( He was racist, which I hate, but I’ve recently been told he wrote “The Shadow Over Innsmouth” because he found out he was of Welsh ancestry, which for some reason, caused him to write a story about a town full of lagoon monsters, so I’m pretty sure he was insane) but if you separate the artist from the art, his stories have everything I need in horror.
His stories are usually really short or serialized (Unlike some of Steven King’s most famous stuff which can tend to be the size of two Bibles taped together) he loves abnormally large monsters and somehow, even though he’s writing about weirdass squid things from beyond the realm of understanding, it scares the HELL out of you!
This, more or less, brings me around to my point which is GUZOO: THE THING FORSAKEN BY GOD IS THE BEST HORROR MOVIE OF ALL TIME!
Well, maybe not really but hear me out on this.
I enjoy a lot of modern blockbuster Marvel films because they are mostly based on comic books I read as a wee lad, but if I have some beers before seeing one, I regret it by hour three of the movie, because I don’t remember where the bathrooms are and I don’t wanna miss anything. (To be fair, even when I don’t drink beforehand, I still forget where the bathrooms are, but that’s on me.)
You will have no such problem with GUZOO: THE THING FORSAKEN BY GOD! (Not that you’ll see it in a theatre but if you somehow do, pissing won’t be your problem.)
This movie is roughly 40 minutes long.
“40 minutes long!? And it’s all I need in horror movie!?” That’s what you’re saying right now probably.
Well, yes, I don’t want to ruin what this is of a movie for you, but a brief Cliffs Notes of it: It’s a Japanese movie about some girls with weirdly specific names who stay at a mad scientist lady’s house and they have to confront the eldritch horror the lady is growing in her basement.
It DOES involve tentacles, but unlike most Japanese media that involves tentacles and girls, there is really nothing pornographic about this.
Full disclosure: I have an octopus monster in my basement in a garbage bag.
That might need some explaining.
True story: My friend and I came up with a movie when we were kids called OCTOBONER and we didn’t know that tentacle hentai was even a thing. We didn’t even think to make it a parody of the James Bond movie Octopussy.
We just thought OTOBONER was a funny name. So, we spent a whole lot of time making a paper mache octopus that is currently rotting in a garbage bag in my garage.
My friend is in possession of whatever footage of that we filmed somewhere and he says he can’t find it, but I think he’s lying. Trust me though, GUZOO: THE THING FORSAKEN BY GOD is even better!
Just think about the name, GUZZOO: THE THING FORSAKEN BY GOD!
(Don’t think about the character The Great Gazoo, the alien from the Flintstones. Someone on reddit made that joke even before I could.)
Even if you don’t believe in God, but you imagine the concept of a thing FORSAKEN by God, it’s pretty crazy. Like, God doesn’t even use the wrath of God on this thing, he’s not even acting pissed about it, he just doesn’t wanna think about it!
This Halloween season, I took some time to watch some of the classics I hadn’t paid enough attention to. James Wales The Old Dark House from 1932, which features Boris Karloff in a role that may even be better than his towering Frankenstein’s monster and prefaces a lot of horror films and media that came in its wake.
Also, the 1931 version of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, where Frederic March puts on such an epic performance as both Hyde and Jekyll, even with the innovative makeup, it should still shock you that they are being portrayed by the same person.
But GUZZO: THE THING FORSAKEN BY GOD has a better title, and if you don’t have enough time to watch it this Halloween, you can just read the title and imagine how scary it is!
Or you can just spend 40 fantastic minutes of your life and watch it! Here is a link to the WHOLE DAMN movie! (If you can’t speak Japanese it’s subtitled so doesn’t even matter. And BTW, this was supposed to be a part one, but it came out in 1986 so don’t hold your breath for part two.

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