Tuesday, March 19th, 2024 10:08 am.

In our previous instalment of LET’S GO TURBO! I reviewed five Turbgografx-16 classics! Well, that’s not entirely true. I reviewed four TurboGrafx-16 classics and then the fifth slot was reserved for the games that I got that would only work on the Japanese PC-Engine (The original version of the Turbo-Grafx-16) which I don’t have, and I’m not sure anyone besides me would consider any of the games I did review “classics”, but whatever.
That being said, I’m only gonna review one game per article now, because these games are expensive, and these are the cream of the crop. The best of the best. The MOST TURBO OF TURBO-GRAFX-16!
So, if you were paying me, you’d be getting more bang for your buck. (I know you aren’t paying me, but I should at least have a tip jar around here for this much TURBO!)
Here we go Turbo again, with me talking about:

BONK’S REVENGE: When I reviewed Bonk’s Adventure (The first game in the Bonk series) there was one element I woefully neglected. I don’t think I mentioned anything at all about how Bonk gets his power from MEAT!!
Much as I adore animals, I adore eating certain animals just about as much. I don’t agree with hunting for sport, but I do agree with fighting dinosaurs, should they attack you. And, when that happens, it’s always good to chow down on a big hunk of what may, or may not be dinosaur meat, to power up and hit them with your weird mutant head.
This happens in the Bonk games a lot.
There is not a lot of difference between Bonk’s Adventure and Bonk’s Revenge. Bonk’s Revenge is considered the best of the series, but, really, it’s just a slightly better version of the first one, and I already talked about that one. So, this time, mostly, I’m just gonna talk about the meat.
There are meats of varying size, and they all have different effects on Bonk. One makes him super strong, one makes him invincible, for a brief time, and my favorite one causes him to be dressed in some kind of… what I can only assume to be an ancient Greek outfit, and when he bonks the ground in that one, everyone around him turns to stone for a brief time, to make the fight easier.(I don’t get it either. My copy didn’t come with an instruction book.)
Now, we all know meat power-ups are not unique to the Bonk series. Castlevania has the wall chicken, which is supposed to be a pork chop. But really, that just recharges Simon Belmont’s health. (Is there a version where he gets unique powers from meats like Bonk does? Not that I know of. Simon’s more well known, but I think Bonk has him beat there.)
These meat power-ups always make me wish that, when I went to the fridge to get a piece of salami or something, it would imbue me with greater strength, or a special ability.
Like, if my cat hears me opening the fridge, I jump upside down and bonk the floor, he would turn to stone for just a long enough period of time for me to finish my salami and run back to my room, without having to feed him for the 50th time that day. (It would be for his health. He needs to lose some weight. He’s a chonker.)
The meat hunks are not the only thing Bonk collects. Another meat-based thing he can get is hamburgers, and there are fries to go with them. For the health conscious he can get veggies and fruits. Also he is supposed to pick up smiley faces. Now, I thought Forrest Gump invented the Smiley face, but it turns out they were naturally occurring in the stone age. (And so are hamburgers! Living in prehistory does not sound so bad to me!)
What do these things do? I have no idea, I think they give you points or something. I should have read the instruction book that I don’t have.
Long story short, you bonk dinosaurs with your oversized cranium. Pure bliss.
I don’t give stars when I review stuff, but if I did, Bonk’s Revenge would get all of the stars.
The next game I’ll be discussing is a bit more difficult to play, but not as difficult to explain. It’s probably the best vertical scrolling shooter game I’ve ever played (And I’ve played too many of them.). It’s the one, the only BLAZING LAZERS!! I know I said I was going to review that in this article, but I LIED!
I’m a liar, but listen up, all you four people who read what I write. Stay tuned. the Blazing Lazers column is gonna be good! I promise!! (Another lie, but the game is good!)

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