OK, all ears here, Moosekateers. I’ve got some important information for you.
This is not some urban legend or something.
There is ACTUALLY a video game called CHICKEN POLICE! And another one named FIGHT CRAB!
Now, the first rule about Fight Crab, is that we talk about Fight Crab, incessantly. As one of the proud five people who bought this game on the Nintendo Switch download store, I can attest to all of you Mooseheads out there that playing it is a transcendental experience.
To my great shame, I am not allowed to eat crustaceans. But I didn’t find this out until throwing up, after eating a shrimp, after buying the first issue of War Machine, at my local grocery store, when I was like, ten. (Yes, I did, in, fact buy the first issue of War Machine off of a spinning comic book rack at a grocery store in the 90’s. I’m old) You can still see puke stains on the holofoil cover of my copy of the first issue of War Machine. (And if you don’t know what a holofoil comic book cover is, you clearly weren’t alive in the 90’s)
I don’t know if being allergic to shrimp means I can eat crabs or lobsters, or not, but I am not willing to risk chancing it. I am, however, sure as fuck, willing to spend money on a video game where lobsters and crabs beat the shit out of each other, for no reason.
One of my favorite Godzilla movies (even though it is consistently praised as one of the worst) is Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster, where my boy, Godzilla, fights a giant shrimp, and kills it. I always thought it was a lobster that he was fighting, but I found out later in life that it’s supposed to be a shrimp, and that its name is Ebirah. (None of this is mentioned in the American version. Somethings get lost in translation between the Japanese versions and the American translations of Godzilla movies )
Godzilla fighting a shrimp might sound like an unfair fight, but this was an enormous shrimp, who was guarding an island with evil communists on it. (Incidentally, “Jumbo Shrimp” has got to be one of my favorite oxymorons)
I haven’t checked yet to see if you can fight shrimp in Fight Crab. I don’t even know if shrimp are crustaceans. I don’t know a lot of factual information about sea creatures. I don’t even know how to spell the word “crustacean.” I had to Google it. I also draw a comic book about a blue porpoise, who plays in a punk band, and has a pink manta ray-shaped guitar that shoots lasers and explodes things, which is one of the many reasons I got kicked out of marine biology school. Those bastards told me that wasn’t accurate! What do they know!? (Well, more stuff than I do, apparently)
Anyway, Fight Crab is like Mortal Kombat, if Mortal Kombat had crabs. ( See what I did there?) There’s even blood spurting everywhere, when you rip off another crab’s leg! They could have called it Mortal Crab-bat!
Me, describing it, will not do it justice, so, just go and download it on Switch.
Now, I have to talk about Chicken Police.
Fun fact: there used to be a TV Cartoon in the 90’s (I’m talking about the 90’s a lot today for some reason) called Fish Police. It was based on a pretty cool comic book, which was like a film noir, but with fish. Nobody watched the show, and it was instantly cancelled. Now, years later, someone decided to switch up the formula, and make it about chickens instead.
Another Fun Fact: I have never eaten at a Chick-fil-A. (But I plan to. It’s on my bucket list)
I do love chicken, and I especially love KFC. I love it so much that I just put in a bid on Ebay for a Christmas album recorded by Colonel Sanders. (That isn’t a joke. Colonel Sanders actually had a Christmas album. Google it.)
So, when I saw a review of Chicken Police, I INSTANTLY spent twenty bucks on downloading it. I have absolutely no idea if it’s any good, or not, because I haven’t played it yet, but it is about chickens in trench coats, solving crimes. So, of course, I needed to own it.
From what I’ve seen on review sites, it t looks like there’s a cat in it too. I’ll post a picture below.
So, the moral of the story is : Go buy Fight Crab and Chicken Police. Even if you don’t play them, it will make you feel like a better person, just to know that you own games with names like that.
See ya here next time, Moosekateers!