Pizza is Such Sweet Sorrow

Monday, January 11th, 2021 9:33 pm.

Now, this might come as a surprise to you Mooseheads, but I read a lot of Shakespeare.

What won’t come as a surprise to you is that I eat a lot of pizza and drink a lot of beer.

And I promise I’m about to explain how pizza, beer and Shakespeare all tie together; just gimmee a minute to collect my thoughts. This will eventually make sense. (Or, at least, I think it will make sense to me.)

I inherited a collection of the works of Shakespeare from my dad, and Hamlet is my absolute favorite Shakespeare play. And not just because Hamlet is also the name of the pig mascot, wearing a chef hat, who represents the Sugardale Bacon Company. I just think it’s really good.(Almost as good as the bacon.)

But Romeo and Juliet is also really good.

Recently, my favorite TV show, DC’s Legends of Tomorrow, did a Romeo and Juliet themed episode. Also, there is a great pop-punk band named Army of Freshman who are a band you’ve never heard of, who had a song called “Juliet” that you’ve never listened to. (You should really listen to it.)

Long story short, the play is about two stupid kids who fall in love, but they aren’t allowed to be in love, because their families despise each other, so (spoiler alert) then, they drink poison and kill themselves.

I drink poison all the time, but my poison is beer and so far it hasn’t killed me, which is good, and which sort of brings me back to what I was talking about.

Today, I was going to get some beer and a pizza.  I got the pizza at an awesome local Ohio establishment called Romeo’s Pizza.

Moosekateers, Romeo’s Pizza is fucking amazing. The sauce is the sweetest you will ever taste, and they have this stuff called “Capone sauce.”

Yes, for some reason, Romeo’s Pizza decided to make a guy who looks like Al Capone be their mascot, instead of a guy who looks like Romeo from Romeo and Juliet.  They must have had a coin toss between whether or not they should have a suicidal teenager or a homicidal gangster as their corporate logo, and ended up with the homicidal gangster.

Now, maybe it isn’t even supposed to be Al Capone, but the character on the box looks like a character who is in the mob, and wants to shoot you in the face.  He dresses in a pin striped suit and a fedora, which is exactly how Al Capone dressed.

And speaking of being killed, if you have too much Capone sauce, you will die.  It tastes amazing, if you like hot sauce, but it has the same affect as being shot in the stomach by Al Capone’s gun (which might be why they named it that.)

The other day, I dropped some on my floor and I think it actually burned a hole in the floor. I’m not even joking about this. Dipping your pizza crust in this sauce is something akin to dipping it into molten lava. (But it tastes good, so, I do it anyway.)

There is another thing that is both sweet and hot at Romeo’s pizza. She’s the blonde girl who always gives me my pizza. And she is another reason I go there constantly. Even though she wearing a mask, you can still tell she’s gorgeous.

And you know what the song says, “When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore,” even though that doesn’t really make sense in this case, since she isn’t the moon and she never threw a pizza in my face. (At least, not yet, but if I ask her out, she might.) I think that song   has something to do with love and pizza, which is why I’m mentioning it in this column, even though I don’t understand it.  I’m like 50% sure “amore” is an Italian word for love though.

And  I’m in love with this pizza girl.  OK, I’m not really, but I do wanna ask her out. The thing is, if she says no, that might make it awkward the next time I go and get a pizza.

As the saying goes, “Don’t crap where you eat.” And I eat there a lot. And most of my relationships do, in fact, turn to crap.

So, I don’t think I will ask her out, because, even though our love might have been an epic romance, I doubt it would have been as epic as my life long romance with pizza.

I mean, I wrote an entire column about The Noid! I love the Ninja Turtles!  I’ve been eating at Little Caesars since back when they had that weird commercial with the puppets playing in a rock band! My point is, I’ve loved pizza forever and I’m never gonna stop. And I don’t want any girl to come between me and pizza! (But I do hate Pizza Hut. I actually think their pizza may be composed almost entirely of grease, and we used to have to eat it every time we had a funeral for a relative. The reason being, there was a Pizza Hut next to the funeral home. My cousins and I used to say their slogan should be “Get Pizza Hut, it’s your funeral!”)

So, in the great words of William Shakespeare,” Adieu, adieu, pizza is such sweet sorrow.” OK, that isn’t EXACTLY what he said, but it’s close enough. It would probably be a jinx to start a romantic relationship with a girl who works at a restaurant named after the guy whose relationship was a nightmare, and who eventually committed suicide. (There, apparently, is some controversy in the Shakespeare community about exactly what type of poison Romeo and Juliet used to kill themselves. Some say hemlock, some say deadly nightshade. Personally, I think, they just drank a whole bunch of Capone sauce.)

I guess it could be worse. You could go out with a girl who works at Macbeth’s Pizza. (There isn’t a Macbeth’s Pizza, but if there was, I definitely would avoid dating a girl who worked there.)

Now, here’s a picture of the Romeo’s logo. Do you think it looks like Romeo or Al Capone or neither? (I don’t think either of them had a mustache, and I don’t remember Romeo wearing a pin striped suit.)

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