Not another Peep.

Monday, April 26th, 2021 12:04 pm.

So, I have this bird outside my house and it will  will not stop chirping, ever.

I’m starting to feel like Tippi Hedren.

This thing will not shut up. And  I am trying desperately to resist the urge to buy a gun and murder either it or myself .

I can’t even sleep anymore because it just won’t peepin’ shut up!  Neither of my cats have killed it yet. (What the hell am I even paying them for!?)

We also have tree frogs, and what the hell  is a tree frog? There are frogs who live in trees like Wookies!? I am no zoologist, so, sadly,  I can’t provide you with an answer to any questions about tree frogs.

(Maybe there is an old issue of Zoobooks you can find that tells you all about tree frogs you can read it,  and maybe it will explain what the hell they look like, and what they even are.)

The only thing I’ve learned about frogs is from playing the arcade game Frogger, which, I’m pretty sure, is not an accurate depiction of frogs, because,  if they  fall off a log in the game, they drown. (This was already pointed out by the guy who hosts Classic Game Room, but it bears repeating, because, I’m confident, frogs know how to swim.)

But the birds and the frogs have rotating shifts. The frogs torture me all night, and the birds torture me all day.

My grandfather used to love birds. You know why? Because he fought in World War II. And, when he got back, he couldn’t hear anything. So, he probably just thought they looked cute. If he had ever actually heard them he might have not have been quite as much of a bird enthusiast.

And speaking of peeping birds, Easter happened recently, and like many of you, I buy marshmallow Peeps  every Easter. I have a bunch of bunny Peeps right now and I always get get an entire package of marshmallow Peeps shaped like chickens. Then, I open it and eat one, forget to put plastic wrap or something over it, and the rest of them become fossilized and inedible.

But we live in a progressive era now, when  they make marshmallow Peeps for not just Easter but for almost every holiday. So, you can have a whole variety you can buy and forget to eat.

They have Halloween Peeps shaped like jack-o-lanterns, Christmas Peeps shaped like snowmen, they have Valentine Peeps shaped like hearts, ( which I buy just to burn, to represent my own melted heart.)

They probably even have turkey Peeps for Thanksgiving.

I think they should make Peeps for the more obscure holidays, like Arbor Day Peeps (shaped like trees, of course), Bastille Day, (I don’t what Bastille Day, is but they should make a Peep for it), Peeps shaped like gorillas for National Gorilla Suit Day. (Which, I swear to God, is a real thing)

They could even have Peeps shaped like people and call them Peeple!

They could make like a Kim Kardashian Peep, and sell millions of those to the millions of people who, inexplicably, like Kim Kardashian.

You could also do Peeps shaped like Trump, Biden, Sylvester Stallone, Abraham Lincoln, the list goes on.

Now that I think about it,  Peeples sounds a lot like Poppples. (I had a Popple tent when I was a kid, and it was awesome. )

So, happy belated Easter to all of you, my Peeps!

 

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