Netflix Going off has become my New Alarm Clock

Sunday, December 6th, 2020 3:34 pm.

Has this ever happened to you, Mooseheads?

You pass out on the couch after binge watching something (and binge drinking something), and Netflix goes to “Menu”, and, then, eventually, at around six  in the morning, it develops a mind of its own, and just decides to turn itself off, and go back to regular TV?
I’m not saying I’ve personally experienced this. OK, truth be told, I AM saying I have personally experienced this, because it just happened to me, literally, two minutes ago, and because that’s what this column is about. 
But the  the really weird thing is, when it goes back to “Live TV,” it’s a different, randomly selected channel, every time.  Most of them are channels I’ve never even watched or heard of in my whole entire life. 

I used to love TV, Moosefriends, but, let’s face it. The halcyon days of TV are over. It just sucks now. 

The only channel I watch is the CW, (even though it’s consistently ranked as the lowest rated network in the history of TV) and I watch it because I like superheroes, vampires, and I have an irrational obsession with teen drama shows. Maybe because, when I was a teen, I was  too busy putting on amateur Star Wars plays, and making comic books, to date anyone.

Also, because no girl would date me. Their LOSS! Now that it’s trendy to like comic books, and Star Wars and shit like that, they probably wish they would have MARRIED me, just so they could look cool!

OK,  I’ve gotta stop ranting about my tragic teen years, because, if I don’t, I’ll never stop, and this column has already totally gone of the rails. Those rails had a train on them that was heading towards my original point, which was, when my Netflix turns off, it always goes to some random channel showing some weird- ass thing. 

This morning, it was an infomercial, which, I swear, was about wrapping rubber bands around kazoos, to hunt ducks. When I watch Netflix, I have it on really loud, so when it goes off, and regular TV comes on, the duck hunting kazoos wrapped in rubber bands are blaring at me, at roughly 9,000 decibels. 

Sometimes, it’s not that bad. Sometimes, it will randomly go to the Sci -fi channel (Which I REFUSE to call “SYFY”), but the crazy thing is, at 6 in the morning,  “SyFy” actually shows GOOD stuff, like The Twilight Zone. So, I can wake up to Rod Serling, and killer dolls, and horrific gremlins, and disturbing mannequins coming to life in a department store.

This is way better than the blaring kazoos, but still not something I want to hear, or watch, at six in the morning.  

Sometimes, it’s a news show about Donald Trump (which is something I never want to hear, or watch, at any time on any day), and, recently, there was a PBS kids show with shrill-voiced cartoon children explaining about how sow bugs are actually crustaceans and not bugs, which was useful information, but, again, an example of something I don’t want to hear or watch when I’m trying to sleep.

Sometimes, it’s an extremely loud religious show, telling me that I’m going to Hell. (I thought I was already there!)

So, as a public service announcement, I’m telling all you Moosefriends, DO NOT FALL ASLEEP WITH NETFLIX ON YOUR TV!! It will eventually turn itself off, and you WILL wake up to the dulcet tones of  blaring duck kazoos! 

OK, now, I’m gonna go back to sleep. 

 

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