Happy holidays, Moosekateers!
Well, I guess the holidays aren’t exactly “happy” this year for anyone, because we all have to have get togethers while suffocating in masks. (Have you ever tried to eat Honey Baked through a mask? I haven’t, and I’m pretty sure you can’t, but I’m gonna attempt to, because Honey Baked Ham is awesome!)
But, then, the holidays are never really happy for me. I’m always on Santa’s naughty list. I dunno why. Maybe it’s for having impure thoughts constantly, or because I swear constantly. Hell, even some of the comments I’ve posted on Reddit could be enough to get me shunted onto the naughty list.
But I’m trying to be a better person! I’ve started recycling my beer cans, I’ve volunteered to assist in the rehabilitation of wounded alpacas, and also to give emotional support therapy sessions to those alpacas!
So, I think I deserve to be on the “Nice List” this year. And, because I’ve been so nice, I have a wish list of demands for Santa Claus:
- THE MACH FIVE: I’m in desperate need of a new automobile, and no car is cooler than the one driven by SPEED RACER himself!!
- SCUBA ATTACK SKELETOR: This is an insanely obscure action figure from the He-Man and the Masters of the Universe toy line. It’s Skeletor wearing scuba gear. Skeletor never wore scuba gear or even swam, in the cartoon. So, there was no point in Mattel making this action figure, but, apparently, they did, and now that I know they did, I want one. (Also, for some reason, it’s worth like $3,000 on ebay.)
- A BIG BOY STATUE I CAN PUT IN MY LIVING ROOM: Come on, who doesn’t want a Big Boy statue in their living room?
- METLAR: For the grotesquely uninformed, Metlar was the main bad guy in the Inhumanoids toy line and cartoon. He is the only one of the three Inhumanoids that I didn’t get when I was a kid, and I’m still bitter about it. I’m surprised they even made a toy of him for kids, because he comes from inside the earth, and he looks exactly like the Devil. So, he’s, basically, based on Satan. (Maybe that’s why some kids’ moms didn’t wanna buy one) The other two Inhumanoids were based on a skeletal dinosaur who could trap you in its rib cage, and Cthulhu. So, I guess, they figured, “Let’s do it, what the hell!”
- ONE OF THOSE GOLDEN GIRLS CHIA PETS: Preferably, Blanche, although, I wouldn’t turn down a Rose or a Sophia.
- PEACE ON EARTH: Even though that will never happen, you are are required, by law, to ask for that.
- AN INFINITE SUPPLY OF BEER, BEEF JERKY AND SOUR PATCH KIDS: Do I even need to explain why I would want this?
- REEL BIG FISH TO PLAY A SHOW AT MY HOUSE: As stated, in previous columns, they are my favorite band EVER! They could play their entire “Happy Skalidays” album! ‘Tis the season to be Ska-lly!
- TALA ASHE TO DATE ME: She is a beautiful and talented actress who is one of the stars of my current favorite show, DC’s Legends of Tomorrow. BTW: Happy Beebo Day! (If you are one of the ten people who watch the show, you know what I’m talking about) She’s really cute, and has big, cartoony-looking eyes, like Betty Boop. I would propose to her on our first date, even though she’s married. So, she would probably say no.
- A MANATEE: Listen up here, Mooseheads. I’ve been asking Santa to bring me a manatee for YEARS!! He keeps on telling me, “I just can’t fit a manatee down a chimney!! They’re enormous! WHY CAN’T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT!? ” And I keep saying, “Well, then, why don’t you just bring him through the front door!?” and he’s always like “NO! I only do chimneys!” Seriously!? “What’s so hard about bringing a manatee in through a door!? Get your act together, Claus! “(Maybe if he brings me a baby manatee, he could manage to get it down the chimney)
Anyway, I might not get a manatee for Christmas this year. There are a lot of people who, tragically, don’t get manatees, and Santa needs to work on having a more efficient manatee delivery system.
But I’m still happy that all my loved ones are still alive and intact. That is the greatest gift of all.
Well, that and Doc Boy in the Garfield Christmas Special. (Have you ever watched that? My cousins and I think it’s the funniest thing ever, whenever he says, “Don’t call me Doc Boy! You just need to watch it, to understand)