Dear Linkedin: I regret to inform you that I don’t know how to operate a forklift. And I don’t know what a “Salt Dome” is.

Tuesday, March 22nd, 2022 9:48 pm.

I deeply admire and respect anyone capable of operating a forklift, but it’s just not my thing.

I can sort of drive a car, I guess, when I have to, but a forklift is not in my skillset.

Now, you might be wondering why I’m bringing this up. And I only do so because every time I get some sort of a notification on my email from Linkedin that says, “We found a job in your area that’s PERFECT for you!” it always involves either operating a forklift or heaving huge bags of cement onto a truck. Neither of which I should be doing.

When I made my Linkedin profile, I listed myself as a “writer and cartoonist,” and that I graduated with a degree in Communication Studies.

I don’t know why, but for some reason, on Linkedin, that translates to “Forklift Guy.”

So, I’m gonna simplify this for you fine folks at  Linkedin.

Here is a list of other jobs I am AM NOT qualified for:

SALT DOME ADMINISTRATOR: I don’t know what the fuck a salt dome is, but evidently, they exist, one is located near me and it urgently requires an administrator!  But you need five years of experience being a salt dome administrator to get hired and the closest I’ve come to that is I own a stuffed “Mister Salty” (The pretzel mascot) doll. So, I don’t think I’m the guy for that illustrious position.

Now that I think of it, I’m not even gonna list any of the other jobs their algorithm paired me with because that is, by far, the funniest one.

I think there are good jobs on Linkenin that make sense but “Forklift operator who knows how to direct a Salt Dome” is just not one that is in my wheelhouse.

But fuck it, because I’m gonna apply anyway.  So, if your salt dome collapses, you can blame me! It’s gonna be my fault!

Just call me Mr. Salty!!



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