The New year is almost upon us, Moosekateers, and do you know what that means? Pork. Yes, pork.
There is this wierd-ass thing my mom once told me about how “You can’t eat anything that scratches for a living” on New Year’s because it’s bad luck. So, you have to not eat chicken, or you’ll be poor.
Not that this affects me in the least, because I’m a freelance writer and cartoonist. I could eat seven chickens on New Year’s, and it could not make me any more poor than I already am. I wouldn’t blame the chickens. I would accept the fact that it was the horrible choices I’ve made about what to do with my life and career that got me where I am today.
But not eating chickens, or geese, or turkeys, or pheasants, or whatever type of poultry, for one day, is OK with me, because I am a huge fan of pork.
And, because I also love advertising mascots, I’ve decided to write an entire stupidly long column about my top five weird mascots who advertise pork products, and this it.
- Oink (from Moo and Oink.): Moo and Oink is some sort of long lasting urban Chicago meat establishment that is much beloved by everyone in Chicago. I’ve never even been there, but somehow, I ended up watching a bunch of extremely low budget Moo and Oink commercials on YouTube, which all looked like they were filmed with a camcorder in the early 90’s. And I don’t even remember how I found them. They star a cow (Moo) and a pig (Oink) and they rap about stuff like chitlins. Now, I’m embarrassed to admit this to you, Mooseheads, but I’ve never eaten a chitlin. I don’t even really know what a chitlin is, but I’m gonna find out and eat one, thanks to Moo and Oink. Moo and Oink also had an extremely infectious theme song, in which they just repeated the words “Moo and Oink” three hundred thousand times. It was awesome.
- Frankie, the Keener Wiener: Frankie is the mascot of the Superior Meat Company, and, as his name implies, he is a hot dog. His name name also implies that he might be a penis, which is a good segue into a funny story I have about Frankie. Once, a friend of mine and I went on a double date to a movie. I think the movie was actually Herbie Fully Loaded, and we really just went as a joke, and so my friend, who I worked with at Dairy Queen, could mack on this girl we worked with. I was just there to be his wingman, and got to take some random girl, who I was not interested in, who we also worked with, who later tried to seduce me, after she followed us home (because being a wingman always leads to things like that happening). Anyway, this girl that my friend, Josh, was attempting to go out with, had a boyfriend whose last name was Kiener, which sounds like Keener. So, everyone who knew him used to call him the Keener Wiener. He did not like this. He also didn’t like it when he found out my friend took his girlfriend on a date. But, for some reason, instead of calling my friend, and yelling at him, at 3 o’clock in the morning, he decided to call me and yell at me, at 3 o’clock in the morning . (This is also the type of thing that happens when you are someone’s wingman.) This guy wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed. Then he made his girlfriend quit her job, even though I tried to talk him out of it. I hope she never married this dick. (Wiener, dick, see what I did there?) Anyway, the moral of the story is, don’t be named after a hot dog mascot.
- Hamlet the Sugardale Ham: Now, a lot of of people don’t know the story of Hamlet, the Sugardale mascot. He once was a prince, whose mother was a queen, who cheated on the king, with Hamlet’s uncle. Then, Hamlet went insane and his girlfriend drowned herself, and Hamlet killed his uncle. Wait….. that’s a different story. The Hamlet I’m attempting to to talk about is a pig who wears a chef’s hat, and advertises bacon. But, I mean, you never know. Maybe Hamlet, the pig, experienced all that stuff too.
- Horni Porni: Now, Moosefriends, I don’t even need to explain to you why this mascot’s name is funny. He was actually not a mascot for pork, but for greeting cards. ( God only knows what those cards must have said.)
- Hambee: The Honey Baked Ham mascot. He is a giant, ambulatory bee, who delivers delicious spiral cut Honey Baked Hams to families during the holiday season. Well, he doesn’t actually deliver them to you. Usually, he leaves them at the Honey Baked Ham store, and then, you have to go there, and wait in line for hundreds of thousands of hours, with people who are all understandably pissed off, because they have to wait that long. But, because of the trying times we are all going through right now, Honey Baked Ham says they WILL deliver to your house! HOORAY! Maybe the Hambee will show up, and deliver it to you, personally. As I’ve mentioned, in a previous column, I dated a rich girl once, and her family always had Honey Baked Ham in the fridge. There is nothing better than a post-coital Honey Baked Ham sandwich! (Trust me! ) Here’s a picture of Hambee: