Now, this probably comes as no surprise to many of you long-term Mooseheads, but I used to be the singer in a punk band.
Don’t try to find any video footage of my band. This was pre-YouTube (Thank God)
For you whipper-snappers who are too young to remember what a punk band is, it’s like a normal band, except the people in the band can’t play their instruments or sing.
To be fair this isn’t true of every punk band. Mostly just the amateur ones. The one thing that qualifies you as a punk band is that you play really loud, and the guitar is used as a percussion instrument.
My guitar player, who was my college roommate and one of my best friends, was actually too talented to be in a punk band, and that sort of fucked things up, because he was playing actual chords. (I kept telling him to practice sucking at guitar, but he refused).
So, we were sort of a mix of punk and power pop. Don’t ask me to explain what power pop is. It’s basically music that sounds like the early Beatles music does. It was a whole genre, but for some reason, everyone decided they hated this band, The Knack, (even though they are awesome), and the genre died.
But, even though he was good at guitar, we were still loud and obnoxious and terrible. And “pop punk” bands were very popular at the time, (Bands like Green Day and Blink 182) and those bands were influenced by some of our favorite bands, like Screeching Weasel, The Queers ( The Queers aren’t homosexual. They have a song with a chorus that says “Yummy, Yummy punk rock girls”), and the Mr. T. Experience, which was pretty much our main influence. The singer, Dr. Frank, was incapable of writing a song that wasn’t about a girl.
Like I said, in a previous column, my all-time favorite band is still Reel Big Fish, and they have a song called “Don’t Start a Band,” which is a good segue into what I’m going to be talking about.
Reel Big Fish was right. I love music, but being in a band is a fucking nightmare.
We named our band The Attractive Distractions, because, on the first day of college at Kent State University, the President of the School told us, “Beware of attractive distractions.” (Good advice) Anyway, I consider “Attractive Distractions” to be a euphemism for girls, because girls attract me, and distract me.
So we ignored Reel Big Fish’s advice and stupidly started a band.
And I wrote tons of songs about girls. (I like girls.)
Some of the song titles were:
Victoria (About a girl who wouldn’t go out with me in high school.)
She Doesn’t Like it When You Like Her. (About a girl who wouldn’t go out with me in college because she turned out to be a lesbian.)
And, “My Friend’s Girlfriend’s Sister (About a girl I dated who I had to stop dating because my friend threatened to murder me if I went anywhere near her.)
So, inspired by “The Mr. T Experience” ( Who are awesome and you should listen to them. They are an amazing band that’s been around for 30 years and has sold a record for every one of them), we embarked on a mission to bring the Portage County area concise, amusing, two-minute pop punk rock girl songs, at a low, low price, and get laid.
At some point, I’m pretty sure we accomplished at least one of those things (and one time we almost opened for Wheatus! Yeah, I know you don’t who they are, and, to be honest, I don’t really remember them either), but then our drummer moved, and our bass player got a better offer from Papa John’s Pizza. The Attractive Distractions has been on hiatus ever since.
I’ll admit, as of right now, we may not have a rhythm section, and we may not have any recorded songs, but we sure as fuck have hundreds of ass-loads of already made-up buttons, with our logo on them! And I ask you folks, is rock ‘n roll really about recording songs and scoring hits, or is it about having ass-loads of buttons?
Our logo is from the crappy 1960’s beach party/ rock n roll / horror movie about a guy who dresses up in a fish monster suit, and kills teenage girls in bikinis, called The Beach Girls and The Monster.
If you’d like a button with that image on it (image is pictured bellow), let me know! I’ll send you like 50!