A Very Judge Reinhold Christmas

Tuesday, December 26th, 2023 11:38 pm.

It’s after midnight on Christmas, so, technically, yesterday was Christmas, but I still feel like typing, so let’s talk about Judge Reinhold!
Judge Reinhold has one of the weirdest names ever, and this is coming from someone whose actual birth name is Nick Moose! (I call myself that, but my real name is Derek Reindeer. I really should be using that now for Christmas!)
it looks like Judge is going to be reprising his role of Billy Rosewood in the next Beverley Hills Cop movie, which I guess is a Netflix exclusive? (Odd choice), but I’m sure we all remember him best as “that asshole who is in Gremlins for like, less than two minutes.”
No, I’m kidding. Of course, we all remember him best for masturbating to Phoebe Cates in Fast Times at Ridgemont High. (I mean EVERYBODY masturbated to Pheobe Cates back then, but she actually walked in on him doing it so it was kind of embarrassing.)
Phoebe was also in Gremlins but she had an actual part to play in the movie. She dates Zach Galligan, tends Dory’s Bar, and tells that traumatizing story about her dad, dressed as Santa, getting stuck in the chimney and dying. She had A LOT to do!!
Meanwhile, Judge Reinhold played Gerald, the douchenozzle bank manager? I guess. I dunno. Most of his scenes were cut. So, I’m not even really sure what his job is at the bank. He doesn’t have the authority to fire Billy, Zach Galligan’s character, but he goes to drink at Dory’s Tavern and mocks him for letting his dog smash Mrs. Deagle’s snowman head, and how, if he were the boss, he would have fired him.
Technically, Billy probably should have been fired for bringing his dog to work, but we are still supposed to hate Gerald for expressing this. But that isn’t enough. He then goes on to still be a thundering douche for the rest of the scene, ordering a vodka martini, “Shake. Don’t stir.” Yes, he says it that way.
According to the audio commentary (Yes, I watched the audio commentary MULTIPLE TIMES! ) Judge Reinhold refused to say “Shaken, not stirred.” So, he said his much more iconic “Shake don’t stir” instead. I dunno. Did he think that would make his character seem like less of an asshole? Because I think that makes him worse.
I once ordered a “Shaken not stirred” at a bar, but this was because my friends and I went dressed as three different versions of James Bond. Of course, the bartender girl wanted to murder me, but how much worse would it have been if I got the line wrong? I think, at that point, you should just be refused service.
Yet, this is one of the moments they left in the movie for the Gerald character. But another is far better. It’s when he walks up to Billy and brushes past a disgruntled cartoonist at the bar, who is CHUCK JONES!!
(Now, since I just mentioned Chuck Jones, and this is going to be my Christmas column, I have to take a brief interlude to say I’m STILL looking for an Arby’s Christmas ornament of Bugs Bunny in a Santa suit from the 80’s. I have a treasured nutcracker Porky, and an elf Tweety from Arby’s, but the Santa Bugs still eludes me. If you have one, help me! Make my tree complete!! Think about other people this Christmas! Like me!)
Chuck Jones is clearly not happy to see Gerald, as he says his name in a frumpy “Gerald” way, but Gerald goes on to his douchbaggery and after that….we never see him again.
This really isn’t an uncommon thing for the movie Gremlins. Remember Corey Feldman’s character?
He is shown to be Billy’s best friend for a minute (Even though there is a weird 10 year age difference, but Corey would get really used to that after he met Michael Jackson.) Then you really only see hm one more time, shooting a slingshot at the Gremlins. So, he’s not COMPLETELY forgotten, like Gerald. (BTW, I’m told Corey Feldman is the opening act for Limp Bizkit’s next tour. Think about that and go have a good, hard, healing cry.)
Joe Dante is easily one of my favorite directors. I mean, he did the Gremlins movies, The Howling, Matinee, (Not only did he direct Matinee but he also directed the movie within a movie for Matinee: MANT! Which is a tribute to 50’s shlock classics, and is much better than most actual movies.) He also runs one of my favorite websites, Trailers From Hell. So, my point is, the guy is smart. I believe he did film Gerald’s comeuppance (I’m SURE it was in the script by Chris Columbus.) but it was sadly left on the cutting room floor. (It might be a special feature on the DVD. I have never checked, and I think Joe Dante may be a producer and/or director on the new Gremlins HBO Max animated series, but I also have yet to check that out.)
You know, I saw the first Santa Clause back in the day, with my dearly departed Gramps, and I only remember ONE thing about it.
One thing was that Judge Reinhold played a dickhead again, and the other thing is that his character hated Santa because he never brought him an Oscar Mayer Weenie Whistle.
(SPOILER ALERET) When Tim Allen’s character takes over the Santa job, Judge Reinhold’s character gets the Weenie Whistle.
( FUN FACT: I have a Weenie Whistle! I’ve always been a fan of classic advertising products, and they never let me drive the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile, so, I settled for the whistle. I found it at a retro toy store, and now it resides on a shelf with some of the way too many PEZ dispensers I have.)
Anyway, one way or the other, we need closure for Gerald, Judge’s Gremlin’s character. So, I hereby propose to Judge Reinhold this: You, Judge, come to my house, we make a short film where you just open my front door, say, “Hey, Billy, what’s going on? What are these!?” then, my friends and I will throw a bunch of Gremlins toys at you, and you say “Gaaah!” and fall down.
Or, I’ll just give you my Oscar Mayer weenie whistle. (And no, that is not a euphemism.)
It’s a Wonderful Life is actually my favorite Christmas movie, but they SHOW CLIPS of It’s A Wonderful Life in Gremlns So, it’s a twofer.
Gremlins came out the same day as Ghostbusters. If I had a choice, I would go to see Ghostbusters. But still, Gremlins is pretty damn awesome.
Oh, and TBS! You should show Gremlins 24 hours a day instead of A Christmas Story.

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