How ya doin’ out there, Moosekateers!? Ya know, I have a feeling that 2021 is gonna be a really good year.
Because, no year I’ve ever experienced has sucked more that 2020, and, I think, the fates might just have used up all their “making everything suck” powers, at this point.
And, let me tell you, I’ve had to suffer through some extremely sucky years in my life (You would rather be in hell, getting pitchforked in the ass, than go through even half the shit I had to go through in sixth grade.)
Now, I’ve been saying, “This year is gonna be a great year,” every year since probably, at least, 1994, because I try to keep a positive outlook, even though I have absolutely no reason to have one.
So far, no year in my life has been great, or even remotely good, but I still keep telling myself that one will eventually be tolerable, because I don’t want to kill myself. (Tons of people do that around the holidays, but don’t worry about me! I like myself way too much to kill me!)
If you do feel suicidal though, stop it! Because, in the great words of the Bee Gees I want you to keep “Stayin Alive!”
If you don’t keep stayin’ alive, you won’t be able to witness THE YEAR OF THE MOOSE!!
Yes, 2021 is finally gonna be my year! (OK, I probably just jinxed it already.)
The Chinese always name a year after something like The Year of the Dragon, or The Year of the Three-Toed Sloth, or the year of the Hoary Marmot, and I love Asian culture! I’m immersed in it, even though I’m mostly familiar with the Japanese stuff (Godzilla, Sailor Moon, Speed Racer, you know, the really important stuff). I do love pandas, though, and eat at Chinese restaurants named after pandas. For example, I love eating General Tsao’s Chicken at Panda Express, in the Mall. I don’t know who the hell General Tsao was, but he sure made great chicken. He must be like the Chinese Colonel Sanders.
Also, I like fortune cookies, even though, every time I open one, the message in it says “Look forward to failure.” (That’s a reference to the title of a classic 90’s album by the pop punk band the Ataris, BTW).
Anyway, I’m just gonna copy my Chinese Moosefriends by doing that thing they do, and I’m gonna call this year The Year of the Moose. (Because Moose is my last name, and I’m an egomaniac.)
But, if I’m going to have a whole entire year named after me, I probably should make some New Year’s resolutions, to make myself a better man.
I mean, we all know New Year’s resolutions are promises that you instantly break, after getting drunk and eating cheese balls with Ritz crackers and pretzels, and watching the ball drop. We all drop the proverbial New Year’s resolution ball after the ball drops. Sometimes we even break a resolution before we pass out, while the cat eats the rest of the cheese ball. It’s what this holiday is all about!
So, I present to you now a list of my Moose Year’s resolutions, and the reasons why I will immediately break them all, without hesitation.
- I will stop buying cheap, crappy beer constantly: I can’t afford to do that though, because I’m a freelance writer and cartoonist, and we can’t afford non-cheap crappy beer. The good part of that is you can drink like 50 of them and still not be drunk. So, it’s safer than buying actual beer.
- I will stop spending an absurd amount of money that I don’t even have buying useless stuff on ebay: But I won’t, because, even as I’m writing this, I was multi-tasking, and spending thirty bucks on a Masters of the Universe action figure on ebay. And the Pac-Man glass I bought on there the other day was awesome. Even though I will never, ever, ever use it, because it’s ancient, and God knows who’s drank out of it.
- I will propose to the woman I love: I won’t do this, because the woman I love (and you know who you are) would probably say no, because I do things like spend an exorbitant amount of money on ancient Pac-Man glasses they used to give away at Arby’s, and He-Man toys I don’t need.
- I will stop using the word “exorbitant” in columns: I won’t do that, because it perpetuates the illusion that I am actually smart, since I know a big word.
- I will stop swearing: But I won’t do that, because it’s fucking hard. Especially when you are using Windows 10, and the keyboard on your computer chooses only to type every other word you attempt to type.
- I will stop eating a ridiculous amount of candy: This is impossible, because I have a bulk supply of Sour Patch Kids in my cupboard. I’m trying to stop drinking coffee, and the candy keeps me awake, so I can write interminably long columns, like the one you’re reading right now. (Spoiler alert: I probably won’t stop drinking coffee either.)
- I will stop getting pissed and starting arguments with people posting on Reddit: If you’ve ever been on Reddit, for even two minutes, you would know why I’m going to break this resolution instantly.
- I will stop subscribing to every damn streaming service that exists: This, most likely, won’t happen, considering I already just subscribed to HBO Max, just so I could watch the new Wonder Woman movie, and that is probably the only thing I will ever watch on it. (Knowing me, I probably would subscribe to a streaming service that only showed old episodes of Family Matters.)
- I will finally complete writing and drawing a whole entire issue of one of my comic books: Ya see, friends, I started making comic books under the “Moose Comics” banner way the hell back in seventh grade. Now, a thousand years later, I still have yet to successfully complete an entire issue of one. Some are only half-done, and some only consist of just a cover. (What can I say? I have ADHD.) But, since this is gonna be The Year of the Moose, it also should be the year that my Moose Comics empire will be born!!
So, now, I’m gonna leave you with a picture of a cheese ball, that some culinary genius designed, to look like a moose. HAPPY MOOSE YEAR!!!